Reflections

Most of us realize while looking at the past, that there are a few, intensely emotional points of our lives that shaped us and our lives. And that somehow, the journey of life has not turned out as we expected during those childhood years. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling – I can still remember those fantasies I had of how my life was going to be… And I look at my life now and see how radically different it is from that, and how changed my ideas and desires are from those of the girl I used to be. Some people are lucky enough to be gently molded… like a pebble on the banks of a slow-moving river. Others, like me, run right into an erupting volcano—or maybe two! — and the landscape of life is suddenly, irrevocably changed.

The terrible, complicated and life-altering things that happen in our life, whether unexpected and undeserved, or a consequence of the choices we made, are not what define us: what defines us is the way we react and respond to them. A few of those days were the most terrible days of my life; and to be honest, I barely survived a couple of them. But I know now that I learnt more about myself, my family, my real friends, and the world in those days than at any other time in my life.

For one, I saw the best and the worst sides of myself. Having had to make some really difficult decisions forced me to look into myself and understand who I am, and what I value and what I believe, what I need and what I cannot live with. It made me question and reevaluate what I had been taught, thought and believed for a long time and then evolve a new set of ideas that better represent my view of the world. And it taught me to pause and reconsider before judging another human being. I realized there are times and circumstances that make one behave in ways one never expected, just as I have. Every time a thought in my mind arises to judge or condemn another person, I remember that I know nothing of the circumstances that led to the actions I am condemning, and that I do not know if I would have perhaps acted the same in those circumstances. My struggles have – if not made me a somewhat more compassionate person – at least given me pause in making judgments of others. I also learnt that what “others” say, think or believe about you matters only as much as you allow it to. How a person chooses to deal with gossip and slander are – in my opinion – one of the best indicators of their sense of dignity and self-respect.

During those times, I found that I had perhaps not recognized the best of my friends and family, the people who deeply cared about me, whom I had just not appreciated enough. Some of these people restored my worn out faith in humanity; they were, and continue to be my support system, my cheerleaders and my role models. Sadly, I also saw some people I had spent too much affection on, who were unable even to breach the silence of awkwardness and reach out to me during those dark years. I was saddened by the realization that they had really not reciprocated my affection, or truly understood me. These were painful, heart-wrenching lessons for me but they were necessary ones. I believe it did teach me how to make better friends, because my life has since been truly enriched by the presence of some truly amazing people, whom I love and respect, and who I am proud to call my dearest friends.

And lastly, I learnt patience, and determination, and how to pull myself out of a well of despondency bit by bit. I learnt how to have fun even in troubled times, and laugh through it, and not take myself or life too seriously. (Well, almost! I still take things too seriously for my own good, but I have friends who help me see the ridiculous both in myself and in life.) I found out what the important things were, and what were not. It was surprising to me how many of the things I considered really paramount were, in fact, pretty meaningless. It was even more surprising how big the tiny things were for my happiness. It’s actually easier to compromise on the big things, make the big sacrifices or the major changes – but the little, daily compromises we make are the ones that trip us up and make us desperately unhappy, because we live with them constantly.

Most importantly, I learnt to take one day at a time. The dreamer in me will persist with 20 year visions, but I don’t insist on them coming true anymore. Fantasies are just that – they are not life plans… and my life gives me a lot of hope. That young girl of my childhood did not even fantasize anything as wonderful as the life I have. Yes, I might still get handed another couple of volcanoes, or earthquakes, or other metaphorically sudden changes that completely morph what my life will look like 10 years from now to something I cannot imagine. But perhaps the biggest gift of my turbulent, difficult years has been the confidence that I can survive them, and everything else that life throws at me – and still have fun doing that!