Have you ever felt that when you have a scrape or bruise on your knee, all the furniture seem to stick out, just to hit that specific spot? As a kid, I didn’t believe her when my mother explained that I must have been hitting my knee all along, but was more sensitive to it because of the bruise. “The universe is out to get me” theory was more comforting as I nursed my hurt.
I was reminded of this because, of late I feel like I have been flooded with articles and stories about the challenges of being a working mother. Everything from Indra Nooyi’s interview “Why women can’t have it all“, the article on The Atlantic by Andrew Moravcsik “Why I Put My Wife’s Career First“, the earlier article by his wife also titled “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All“, several more articles and blogs on how having a child had changed lives and lifestyles, the challenges of being a stay-at-home mom, a working mom, or of just being a parent; books about parenting autistic and fragile children – the list is long! Additionally, seeing choices made and the problems faced by my family, close friends and acquaintances regarding career and child care – suddenly I feel like everywhere I turn, there is more about this idea that has been at the back of my mind. I suppose I cannot stick to the theory that the universe is trying to tell me something – the truth is that this is something I am now thinking about, and I admit that I am petrified.
I love kids – I do. I find them adorable, and funny and surprising, and full of potential. I also find them wearying and annoying at times, as most people, including parents, admit to — but on most days, I love being around them. I do want to have a kid, but I feel overwhelmed when I think about it. I have seen great parenting, good parenting and not-so-good parenting – and I worry that I would fall in the last category: I have never even had a pet so far! My husband jokes that “All parents screw up their kids at least a little bit”, and while I laugh at that, it’s also disturbing – that I would be responsible for a child and I could and quite possibly WILL screw up. I have seen parents face unexpected challenges with kids – the chronically sick child, the unmanageably willful child, the child with developmental challenges, the child who acts up as a teen: and I wonder if I would do a good job being a parent of a child with challenges – especially as the statistical probability of that increases. I recognize that there is no instruction manual, no training, and no “right” way to parent, though it looks like there are quite a few “wrong” ways that become apparent in time. And sometimes I look around and wonder about the world I would bring a new life into, and what it would be like as he/she grows, and whether anything I do can prepare them for a world changing so quickly. I wonder if I am equipped to guide them to be whatever they want to be, and more importantly, if I will be able to teach them to be good, happy, well-adjusted people.
I am also a “career woman” – I have focused on my career since I was 21, and I care about it – financial considerations aside, my work and growing in my career are important to me. I have worked very hard to get to where I am, and I have been fairly successful so far. But more and more articles and studies talk about how women have been able to achieve less success in their careers due to the compromises they have to make regarding family. (Case in point). ‘Work-life balance’ is also the buzz word at work these days, but no one seems to have found the right balance, or any kind of actual balance. I worry about losing the momentum I have in my career, about not being able to grow as far as I want to. I worry that if I make compromises in favor of being a parent, I will lose out on my career, and also teach my child(ren) – of either sex – that a woman is expected to make those choices, and that their career is less important. Or that if I make the choice to keep my career on track, I will miss important milestones in their lives, damage their self-esteem and have them believe that my work is more important than they are. I worry that no matter what choice I make, I will end up regretting it and wishing I had done differently. I know my husband is understanding and supportive of my career – but when we struggle to make an additional hour in the day for something, how will we manage the responsibility of a child along with our fast-paced work life? Yes, perhaps we can get help from parents and in-laws, but in the end, it is our responsibility, and we need to be able to manage it.
I do realize that worrying about this is probably pre-mature – considering that we don’t know yet if we will actually be able to have a child (another thing that I worry about). But I want to know the best and worst of what I am planning to get into, to understand and accept so that I can face it if-and-when it happens. I do not want to be unprepared if I can prepare myself; I would like to avoid pitfalls if I can; I would like to know as much as possible going into this so I can decide I CAN do it. I am not quite sure what I am looking for: advice? Reassurance? More articles? More about the choices people made and how they feel about it? I know many of my family and friends have already gone through this thought process – yet, oddly enough, I have not really talked about this to my friends or family in depth — outside of enigmatic quips like “Wait till you are ready!” (Is one ever really ready?), “Don’t wait too long!” (Is it too late?!), “It’s totally worth it!” (Worth what, exactly?) … I think these choices are intensely personal, complicated and emotional, and hence terribly hard to bring up in a conversation. Yet, I feel compelled to start this conversation, simply because it is really important to me to make this decision consciously rather than by “default”. I do understand that sometimes, I have to take a leap of faith – but I would like to make sure that I have an idea of how to fly before I do – especially as it is not just my life I need to be concerned about.
Soul Splinters 